This is Part Four of a five part series about how ‘Homesteading Will Make You Question’ the systems and practices in place in the United States. Click the links if you missed Part One, Part Two, or Part Three!
Changing your lifestyle brings with it many unforeseen challenges, adjustments, and sacrifices. In our efforts to produce as much of our own food as we can, get completely out of debt, and get systems in place to be more self-sustainable; I find myself questioning why we do certain things in our modern society. A question that keeps repeating over and over in my head is, “Why?” Examples would be, “Why do people treat each other like they are disposable?” or “How can you possibly allow your child to speak to you and others so rudely?” My viewpoint has shifted only slightly on this topic. There is no question that I see the world around me with at least some of the filters off now. It has permeated every facet of my life and I find myself questioning how and what we eat, how we work, how we play, how we treat each other, and how we live overall. This article will focus on How we treat each other: Relationships.
How we treat each other. I grew up on an island in a small coastal town in Alaska. If nothing else, you have at least seen most people’s faces at one point or another living here. People still smile at each other when they pass by in the store or on the street, even if they don’t know the person. I have seen traffic stop on both sides of the street to help a lady whose bag of groceries spilled on the yellow line and they got out to help her pick it all up. People still help little old ladies across the street. There are random acts of kindness all over the place here that I really took for granted until I got older and traveled around some.n As an adult, things have really changed.
Examples
I was in Walmart the other day and could hear this child absolutely screaming their head off from the back end of the store as I walked in. People around me stopped and looked in the general direction of the noise with surprised looks on their faces. I went about my shopping and eventually got close enough to see what was happening. A boy of about 7 or 8 years old was absolutely going off on his mother because she couldn’t buy what he wanted. Of course, he kept finding things he wanted, being told no and throwing a fresh, louder hissy fit. I literally stopped in the middle of the aisle and watched as this child threw himself on the floor, kicking and screaming. The mother sighed a long suffering sigh and walked away. When the kid saw Mom wasn’t paying attention, he got up and screamed at her retreating figure about how he hated her and was going to turn her in for abusing him.
Then, he began to take items off the shelf and throw them at her. I was dumbfounded, in shock, and frozen to the floor. Mom had turned the corner and the kid turned and looked at me with a travel coffee cup in his hands and raised his arm as if to throw it at me. I said to him, “I am not your mother but don’t you dare throw that at me. She may just walk away but I will not.” At this point, the mother comes back around and had the audacity to say to me “Don’t you discipline my child! He is very sensitive!” I replied back, “Well lady, someone has to discipline him because you sure as hell aren’t and the rest of us are having to listen to him scream his head off. When he is grown up, the rest of us will have to deal with him in society and you won’t be around to protect him from people who won’t put up with his crap!” (Yes, I really did say that. Verbatim). I turned around from her shocked face and walked away. About 20 seconds later, I heard an employee ask her to either get her child under control or leave the store. I was fuming and could not believe what I had witnessed. I was embarrassed for her, too.
I had some rather…unpleasant neighbors until recently and could not believe the way this married couple treated each other. Whenever they argued, the first thing you could heard being hollered was something about a divorce. The man would sling insults about her being a whore, worthless, etc. She would fire back about him not ‘being a man.’ Before they were evicted, I asked the younger woman if she ever tried to just work it out together instead of placing blame all the time. Her response was nothing but excuses about how awful he was to her.
Finally, when I was pumping gas about two months ago, I watched as a lady treated the person manning the station with a complete lack of respect in any form. Not even as one human to another. Her card wouldn’t work and she of course blamed it all on him (as if he could do anything about it) and when he explained through her screeching that she would have to contact her bank, she proceeded to insult his work abilities, and opined that he deserved a minimum wage job since he was so obviously an uneducated loser.
Having worked at a bank for several years, in the electronic banking department no less, I kind of lost it. I told her that if she was smart enough to understand how banking worked, she would know that the gas station attendant didn’t have any control over what happened on her card. I suggested that instead of treating a person like crap who had no control over any aspect of her life or circumstances, maybe she should get her own house in order before trashing someone else’s. Of course, she then started in on me which was fine because at least she wasn’t bullying the gas station guy. I got her to stop her tirade when she paused for breath and I asked her, “Are you done yet?”
How many times have you wanted to say something, and didn’t?
All of these stories bring me to the point of this article: How we treat each other. In our world of disposable everything, people have seemed to have fallen under that category, too. When did we start being so awful to each other? When did it become acceptable for kids to speak to their parents that way, let alone perfect strangers? I look largely to media for part of it but when you really break it down, it is the individual people who will make the difference. It is NOT acceptable to let your child be out of control in public. I think a lot of the reason that it seems ‘normal’ is because of America’s continuing attitude of “not my business, not my problem.”
Now, I am not saying you should put your nose into other people’s business as a general rule but when it comes to basic respect for another human being, something has been seriously lost on the way. I keep asking myself, “Why!? When did it happen?” When did we stop teaching kids how to be respectful, have good manners, and treat others with some basic civility? When did it become acceptable for an adult to treat another adult with such utter contempt? More importantly, what can we do about it?
The only answers I can come up with consists of the social acceptance of such behavior by not doing anything and the fear this country has at offending anyone. You can’t turn a corner without having to worry about offending a certain gender, religious belief, or be told you are a bad person for not tolerating other people’s behaviors. Even if they are being total jerks and need to be told that is not acceptable. We have become so afraid to be labeled as a judgmental and prejudice person that we simply say nothing. We do nothing. Shame on the people for their behavior and the parents who let their kids run wild with no discipline or supervision and shame on us for not saying something.
Personally, I don’t care if your child has some special need, they can still be taught what is acceptable behavior when in public. That comment will likely warrant some attacks from people who will say things like I am a bad person and judgmental and prejudice but I really do.not.care. You gotta do the best with what you have. If you don’t try at all, you are enabling and allowing that person/child to do, say, think, and act however they want. By doing nothing, you are almost encouraging it. I had a lady once tell me I was a horrible person for thinking like that and when I asked her how she was showing me the same tolerance and freedom of opinion that she was preaching at me for lacking, she could not answer. When the shoe is put on their foot, when you point out that they are being a hypocrite for not affording the same freedoms; suddenly they don’t have much to say.
I know this is a long one and it really has no ending. The point I am trying to make is that when you homestead, you rely so much more on each other to get projects accomplished and goals met. You tend to get even closer to each other because of that reliance. Closer bonds tend to form as you realize that you have each other’s backs and best interests in mind. Even your neighbors who you might barter with ends up being closer to you than most family members are in modern society.
People are so disconnected with their roots, family trees, and those around them that they tend to get rather stingy and harbor an “all about me” attitude. They don’t have the time or desire to stick their neck out to help their fellow man. For those of you who have made it this far, I implore you to be the change. Really do some crazy random act of kindness. Sow some seeds of goodwill with a stranger. It doesn’t cost money, it costs time. Opportunities are there every.single.day if you just open your eyes, look up from the phone or computer, and see how a little of your time can make a huge difference in someone else’s life. Ever had someone swoop in and help you unexpectedly? Do you remember how grateful, relieved, and happy you felt for it? You have the ability to give the same gift. What you may not expect are the emotional gifts you get in return.
I welcome thoughts and opinions below. This is a touchy subject and I encourage healthy debates. Any flaming comments with no logical base (aka hate mongering) will be removed.
Dreamer, I totally agree with you.
On the other end of the spectrum from your Walmart brat encounter, I will encourage mothers that I see are doing a great job, but the kid had a meltdown. “Courage, Momma!” I say. “Hang in there, your child needs you.”
Thank you for the comment Pilgrim! Normally, I would have done similar but after 10 minutes of it in the store…
I know raising kids is, hands down, one of the hardest things a person does in their life and try to be understanding when a toddler is pitching a first class fit. That was a different ball of wax. 🙂
Please forgive, my comment was not meant as a rebuke to you.
The mother you encountered didn’t need courage — she needed correction, like you attempted to give to her. I don’t think she received it, alas.
I didn’t take it as a rebuke at all Pilgrim! 🙂
I am so right there with you! I’ve been in similar situations and find it next to impossible to hold my tongue. I do give out the ‘hairy eyeball’ look when words escape me. Your topic is just the tip of the iceburg when it comes to our society’s current state of kaos.
Thanks for the comment Teri! “Hairy eyeball…” now that’s funny! I know exactly what you mean. 🙂
You know, this is a subject I have been thinking about recently. Which is worse? Offending people or striving toward a truly just society? Because the society we live in is the opposite of just. It panders to the lowest common denominator, and the more ignorant a person is, the more people seem to support and band together around them. Logic is thrown aside for feeeeeelings and the ultimate issue seems to be whether someone is offended because you, (in my uncle’s words) “farted in the wrong direction). One is often called “racist”, “intolerant”, or worse for not fully supporting choices of others–regardless of whether race, gender, sexual orientation, etc. is involved or not. It seems like the ignorant seem to be “winning” and, frankly, it boils my bottom. The world isn’t fair. I’m also not a believer that we need to make it fair for people. We are entitled to the right to pursue happiness–not guaranteed happiness itself.
On the small screeching child? Kudos to you–I would have probably called CPS on the mother for willfully ignoring a dangerous situation her child was creating. Had that been super-hot liquid in the cup, throwing it would have been assault in my neck of the woods. No different than handing a child a paring knife when they were angry and setting them loose in the store.
The thing that really frosts my cookies? I feel like a bad person for having the thoughts. I feel like I am turning into some cynical, bitter person who just walks around frowning at the way people are to each other. Striving for balance is always a struggle but on this one is also a test in patience! Thank you for the comment Ms Nerdess (love the name hahah!).
I live among the Amish in Lancaster County, PA. I over heard 2 Amish ladies at the hardware store the other day, it went like this: Amish lady 1 to Amish lady 2 “he bumped into me and didn’t even say “oops”. I almost busted a gut laughing! But, it really came home to me that people really do not care about anyone else anymore. It’s a “so what if I bumped into someone, get outta my way” society. And, it’s even beginning to infiltrate our little County where time stood still.
I’m new to this group and am loving it! Thanks a bunch for being the voice we all need.
I would love to have some of the knowledge those Amish women do! That is a great example of how horrible we really treat each other sometimes! Thank you for the comment and following along on the blog Diane, I hope you enjoy it and stick around. It is a comfy place!
I completely agree. And the part about children with disabilities is very true. My brother is 24 years old and has cerebral palsy. He can’t talk and uses his own form of sign language since he doesn’t have full use of his hands and has the mind of an 8 yr old. Growing up he would get frustrated and throw insane fits that usually left someone with a bloody nose. He would get spanked and he quit. Now he is a well mannered “kid” and everyone loves him. On the opposite end, my mom works at a school with handicapped children who are never disciplined, by the school or parents, because they aren’t “normal kids.” She was hit, bit, kicked and spit on everyday for 10 yrs with nothing being done. The teachers are afraid to say anything and the parents don’t care. My mom treats them like any other child and loves them like she did my brother. She gives them what discipline she can and guess what? They only listen to her. The beatings she takes are usually the result of another teacher trying to step in. Everyone always comments on how great she is with the kids and she just tells them she treats them the way she treated my brother. Like a kid, not a special needs kid.
Thank you for the comment Brandee! Isn’t it ironic how children tend to listen to those who discipline them the most? I am not for beating kids but sometimes a swat on the butt or a harsher tone is a good thing. Honestly, how many billions of people over thousands of years were on the receiving end of a spanking and ended up without ‘issues’ that seem rampant nowadays? Blarg!
I so wholeheartedly agree with you. We have a 3 year old grandson who is being raised without many boundries and no one else is allowed to correct/scold him for bad behavior. Problem is, the parents basically don’t either. Lets just say we don’t visit them much. When an adult speaks to him all he responds with is a whine. Sad thing is, he is very well spoken around his parents.
Why do parents have to raise brats and think it’s ok? I am flabbergasted. I did not tolerate this behavior with my children and they do not with theirs.
I’m like you, I’m not afraid to say something in public or give stink-eye.
Unfortunately I was in a similar situation as the mom you described, however my daughter was about 2.5yo. She was full blown tantrum over not getting something. I picked her up from the floor, grabbed my purse and diaper bag, and I left a full shopping cart of groceries at the store. After a time out in the car, I explained due to her tantrum we would not be doing any more errands. It messed up my errand day, but she learned not to do it again. Another solution for restaurant behavior tantrums, I took her into the bathroom for a stern warning about leaving and the “consequences/rewards” speech. I stopped this before she turned 3.5yo. Although the “terrible two’s” is still going at 27, but there isn’t any full blown tantrums!!
As I was raised by my grandmother, I know my upbringing was quite different than my friends. She believed in having manners, generosity, and charity. She also had a well stocked pantry as she was 1 of 13 children raised through the Depression.
We would go to neighborhood elderly on Saturday mornings for their grocery lists and walk to the Market. We did this week after week from I was about 5 years old. This continued through my adulthood with my children and myself. Wherever we lived, my kids would shovel their snow, grocery shop, walk with them, cook for them when ill, and I would take them to Dr appointments.
Another big difference from my childhood, my neighbors always disciplined other children whether their parents were outside or not. I’m not talking about the child abuse situations that occur nowadays. That was the “normal”, now majority of people wouldn’t know their neighbors outside of their driveways.
I also came from a generation of playing outside to the street lights came on. Playing tag, hopscotch, riding bikes, sidewalk chalk, etc… I’m almost 50 yo, but I have learned that the Neighborhoods have changed.
It’s become a sad world; no one smiles or acknowledges another one, many don’t know about situational awareness, many don’t get involved or will speak up, many won’t help their neighbors or even welcome them, I could go on with so many more examples.
Technology and cell phones have caused a detrimental decline in socialism among people. No one smiles at each other, says please or thank you, and opens the door, these used to be common daily interactions even towards strangers. People stare at their phones or get sucked into a virtual false reality of video games. Parents are working too much or perhaps as you said aren’t involved enough in their children’s uprising and lives.
Sorry about going on so long! Just found your blog & loving it!!
Thank you for this awesome comment! I’m glad you’re enjoying the blog and posts. Here’s a cuppa something warm and a comfy chair so you can settle in comfortably. 😉